I’m not emotional. My emotions don’t control me. And apparently, that’s wrong. Girls are supposed to be emotional. They’re supposed to cry during that one abused-animal commercial. But I don’t.

It’s not that I don’t care. I do care. I care a lot. But not the way other people do.

Some say I’m scarred. But I’m not. It’s only now that I can finally stop pretending that I’m like everyone else. Finally now, I can admit that I am different. And it makes me sad. I want to love you. And yet, I don’t.

I can’t feel the way they do. I can’t feel the way you do. Sometimes I worry that if I were ever required to do a crying scene, I wouldn’t be able to do it. Because it takes a lot for me to feel like that. Those emotions are locked somewhere deep within me. Somewhere I don’t want to go.

What would happen if I went there? What would happen if I went to the place where all my girl-feelings are? What would happen if I choose to feel the pain that’s locked inside me?

I just got so good at hiding it away. Sarcasm and jokes instead of hurt or love.  The connections I form are weaker, but I myself am stronger. I can deal now. Isn’t this better?

I don’t want to feel the pain again. Don’t make me. Please.

Without that pain, my life is really better. I don’t feel the anger any more, or the embarrassment, or the loneliness. I’ve locked it away. And now, I can see people for who they are, and not who I think they are. I can have the relationships I wouldn’t be able to have if I choose to feel. And that’s good.

Life like this, happy, care-free, fun, is better than the life I would have had if I did feel like you. That life is filled with pain, rejection, and stress. Don’t you see? I’m happier this way?

Am I making sense? Do you understand?

I’m not emotionally damaged. I can’t be. I don’t feel emotions the way you do.

Are you crying right now? I’m not.

I’m sorry this hurts you. But I really do care. In my own way. I want what is best for you. I’m not totally selfish. I want you to be happy. I want to be your friend. I want you to be able to count on me, and me on you. I want to know that I can talk to you, and open up to you as much as a heartless person is able to. I want you to trust me, because you can. I would sacrifice something for you. Not everything, but something. I really do care.

Just not the way you do.


About isabrown7

attempting to blog, lets see what happens. follow me on twitter at @isabrown7

5 responses »

  1. Belleb-

    I like you the way you are. You’re a really awesome person. I also totally admire your honesty.

    For me, being emotional isn’t a choice, it just comes. It has its crazy downs, which are, you know, awful. That being said, it also has its ups, and I sometimes don’t understand what the beauty of life is without them.

    But the reason I think I feel that way is because I need to. This is sort of just something I’m stuck with. So if I have to feel the bad, I might as well let myself love the good.

    I think you should just be Belleb, you know? That is my final decision.

    I still do not know what love is.


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  4. freddymylove says:

    I understand what you say but I don’t get why. I know you care so that will just have to be enough.

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